Preheating Malfunctions

So, before I continue with my meandering thoughts on infertility and all that comes with it, I figured I’d give a little more background. As I posted earlier, we’re in the beginning stages of finding our way along the winding and foggy path that is infertility.

I’ve been referred to a fertility clinic, as my OB/GYN doesn’t think there is too much more she can do after having received my husband’s test results. However, since insurance will not cover a penny of fertility treatment, we’re taking it slow.

The first bloodwork I had showed an extremely low progesterone level, probably indicating I wasn’t ovulating. An ultrasound didn’t send up any big red flags, though things weren’t exactly as they should be. I was put on progesterone treatment in hope that I would become more “regular.” Seemed to work… the first month. The next month my bloodwork did show that I may have ovulated. Yay! But wait… then we got my husband’s results. Good testosterone levels, low sperm count, very low motility—not a complete infertility trifecta, but still not the news we were hoping.

So, while numerous friends have buns in the ovens, we can’t even get ours to preheat!

Some days are better than others. My soul honestly yearns to be more like Paul in dealing with struggles. I try to take comfort in knowing God’s grace is sufficient. That when I am weak, then I am strong. But sometimes the conversations of pregnant baby flutters, the monthly letdowns, the bleak test results… they get to be very hard to bear.

While the blog seems rather gloomy thus far, I really have been doing well. :) I have complete faith that we are meant to be parents and that God is preparing us to be amazing parents, helping to bring about His will in this world. We’re just trying to get an understanding of how we’re supposed to go about doing that. Whether it’s IUI, IVF, adoption, miraculous natural conception, or what have you, I have the utmost faith that His plan is better than anything I could imagine. Until then, I’m working on leaving the worrying, heart-aching and unsettling at His feet

Where my story begins

I created “A Quiver of Blessings” (see Psalm 127:3-5) to be an account of our new journey into parenthood, and raising a Christian family in a secular world. Things don’t always turn out the way we planned… Here I am—more than two years later—with my very first real post. I wish my reason “why” wasn’t so heartbreaking…

The idea originated when my husband, Derek, and I began discussing starting a family. We had been married a little more than a year but recent events made us realize how short life could be (you can bet there’ll be more on that in posts to come). We knew having a family was meant to be in our future; and honestly, we were credulously confident we would be exceptional parents. We were a strong Christian couple who had battled several storms together and each time came out with a greater faith and trust in the Lord. We would take care of God’s little child and do our very best to raise him/her in accordance to His Will. Frankly, we would be awesome parents.

So I created my blog in January of 2007 to be ready to capture our journey.

And then…
…
…
…
nothing.

About a year and a half of nothing.

We began seriously trying to conceive (TTC) in October of 2007. We talked with married friends of ours and planned our pregnancies together; we wrote lists of potential baby names; we started thinking about in which school districts we’d want to live; we sketched a floor plan and color scheme for the nursery (okay, maybe that was just me…) By November, 2008, we found ourselves with the same lists, the same empty room, but one of the few couples in our circle of friends still childless. We let ourselves realize then that something was “up.”

I made an appointment with my OB/GYN. I went expecting not-so-great-news. I left with a red “I” upon my chest. Hello, my name is Kat and I’m infertile.

Sure, that’s bad news. Yeah, I was bummed. But there’s so much that can be done, right? Medicine has come so far. There are so many options available. Surely it would just take us a few more months to conceive. Our child will still be in the same grade as our friends’ children. If we could only “just relax.”

Ugh!

I had no idea it would be this hard. How could I? How can anyone who hasn’t gone through the heartbreak after heartbreak, month after month, of realizing now is just not the time? That you feel your body is broken? That it puts a strain on a marriage unlike anything one expects? That you feel so alone…? You can’t. No one can. Not until you live it.

And so, that’s what we’re doing. We’re living it. We’re right in the midst of blood tests, ultrasounds, hormone therapy, laparoscopies, etc. And no matter how many times I’ve tried to convince myself to keep our journey to ourselves, God’s been telling me to write. To live this out loud. There are other people who have been down this road. I don’t have to feel alone. There are other people who are just starting down this road. Don’t let them feel alone. There are other people who will journey down this road. Prepare yourself to witness to them.

And so begins my blog.